New Jersey native, Ronnie Macaluso, is firmly entrenched in a gruelling and brutal midlife crisis. His ongoing struggle to reclaim some vestige of his former ‘glory’ has been a long attrition with the biggest casualty being his self esteem. Unless you’re a ‘swanky dame’ with ‘gams that bust dams’ Ronnie is likely to come off as gruff. One might say down right belligerent. Nothing good was ever going to come out of this over-compensatory cocktail and nothing did.
On an afternoon like any other, Ronnie was heading down to Salty Sal’s Salivatin’ Salumeria (or Quadruple Sal’s as it’s also known) for his lunchtime hoagie. Gianni Gigolo, the shop boy, was about to turn on the watering hose to wash the sidewalk but was taking a moment to admire Mrs. Bellalorda’s behind. The two had just had an intense flirtation over the virtues of Sal’s Spicy Sopressata and Gianni had only one thing on his mind. And when he did release a jet of water from the hose, it splashed all over Ronnie’s pants. After a resounding, “A-ow!” Ronnie completely lost it. Amid the slew of curses, maloccio’s and epithets Ronnie shouted, “I oughta go back in time and f#©k yo’ mamma, so you turn out right!” and in that moment, was the genesis of Time F#©ker!
Admittedly, Ronnie never made the high school yearbook “Most Likely to Succeed” list and the reunions were always an uncoordinated and embarassing display of failed amorous ovations but Ronnie did one thing really, really well. Research. That afternoon he skipped the hoagie and forgot his water slogged slacks and quickly marched to the local branch of the library where he began an intensive investigation into time travel. Turns out that Jersey native, Thomas Edison, was also interested in Time Travel and was rumored to have invented a working time machine! A few short months later, Ronnie had sought out and found this fabled device, a converted peep show personal projector! Time’s deepest secrets were now revealed to Ronnie and traveling in and out of her worm holes promised glories beyond his wildest dreams! Ronnie called them, “glory holes”.
On his maiden voyage, Ronnie knew exactly what to do. Having grown up with Gianni’s Mom he knew all the necessary information to travel back in time and preemptively impregnate her. As revenge, Gianni’s genes would get a splash of Ronnie’s RNA!
Mission accomplished and Ronnie quickly returned to that fateful afternoon. Sure, Gianni didn’t splash Ronnie’s pants, but he bungled his flirtation with Mrs. Bellalorda so badly that she stormed out of the shop and bumped into Ronnie! A Time F#©ker’s work is never done!
Now, over the time it took Ronnie to enact his genetic revenge on Gianni and later Mrs. Bellalorda, there had been numerous similar affronts to his fragile ego. He quickly got to work and was riding the time machine and many Jersey Moms to correct all of these slights, too! It was getting to be such a lot of effort to genetically correct every situation and, like the Gianni/Bellalorda debacle, his chronic intermingling often incurred further interventions. Ronnie was soon becoming unable to rise to the occasion of the overwhelming demand for genetic rejiggering. The Bellalorda case was educational, however. Ronnie could see that going back further in time from Mammas to Nanas would genetically correct all subsequent generations. The fact that the young Bellalorda boy, Bobby, had never insulted Ronnie was all the proof he needed. Ronnie now had a plan to get more buck for his bangs.
And so Ronnie went further and further back in time, having chrono-coitus with women deeper in the past. Each time he returned to modern day Jersey, there was always something that set him off. Eventually Ronnie had the idea that he would go so far back in time that he would seduce a female cro-magnon (a filly magnon as it were) and forever change the course of human history! Things didn’t go exactly as planned but Ronnie persevered and the deed was done. As Ronnie went about sharing a cigarette, it occurred to him that he had become a modern Prometheus offering life and a light to future generations. It was the only time during Ronnie’s adventures that the pheromone fog had cleared enough to see the larger significance of what he was doing. At that moment the responsibility of being father to almost all of humanity came crashing down on Ronnie and he was transformed. He now saw himself in everyone and for the first time in his life, Ronnie had experienced a sense of peace.
Sadly he was not prepared for the shock he would receive upon returning to his own time. Ronnie was assaulted and insulted to discover that a race of sentient naked mole rats had inherited the Earth and his beloved New Jersey! It turns out that the genetic material he had imparted to his Cro-Magnon mate just didn’t have the right stuff to compete in those difficult times. Sad and dejected, Ronnie climbed back into his time machine/peep show and promptly disappeared. Where did he go? When did he go? No one knows for sure but it’s up to Chrononaut Ronnie Macaluso to search the furthest reaches of time and space to reclaim mankind’s grandeur through The Glory Hole of Destiny!
The End.
